I will leave him be...

I find myself writing this on a sleepless night. On the edge of the mountains, staring into blank space. I often see myself making the same mistakes over and over again. I often see myself in love with the same person through the years. Just that his name seems to have changed, or his features seem to have altered a bit. I still seem to want to hold on, and he still seems to want to let go. Love is a strange concoction of emotions. On days one feels intoxicated with the idea of having met the one, or if there is a concept of the one. The heady feeling of falling into a tumble, reaching a peak and probably just downhill from there. Or is it my naivete to be calling it love? 
But come to think of it, why wouldn't you want to let the moment stand a while? If ever there was a moment of standing still and breathing in. Why wouldn't we just inhale? Why the rush to put labels on everything that seems to float by? Or seems to have fallen into our laps. Not that I haven't consistently struggled to let it flow past. But on moments such as these, on nights such as this, I will leave him be. As a memory of a forgone letter that I hurriedly scribbled on the back of a book cover and forgot to give it to him. He stays mixed with ether, nibbling at the back of my head. Maybe all my past and present encounters and walk ins are derived from a patchwork of his battered and bizzare persona.
And yet tonight I will probably just leave him be. Tonight as I sit staring across at the vast expanse of mountains, I will leave him in the confines of his crowded life. Among his myriad spreadsheets, his friends and acquaintances, his cravings and his passions. I will leave him to wake up one fine day, and think of me with a fond smile or a wishful thought. I will leave him to look for me in the pages of my favorite book or among the words of my long lost letter. I will leave him to remember me by the sound of my unspoken name.

The phenomenon of Urban Loneliness

Chronic loneliness is not an unheard of phenomenon in metropolitan cities, or rather in modern metropolitan Indian cities. Loneliness can often be mistakenly for depression. However, the two are quite distinct. agreed, that loneliness on more than one occasion tends towards depression, but the converse might not be true. I am not an expert on the topic, yet here, I will try to lay out a layman's perspective of the persistent problem of loneliness.

To start of with the why's of the subject, why loneliness is so prevalent in our society today? Simply because of the growth of the concept of individualism. Traditionally in an Indian society an individual is expected to always abide by the family wishes. The trend is gradually but definitively changing. Indian parents with their aspirational  motives generally send their children to colleges/universities in the metropolitan cities which is often a potpourri or an amalgamation of cultures. Exposed to the ideals of urbane mannerisms these children adapt and mold to ideas revolutionary to their parent's staid belief systems. Exceptions of open, liberal households are off course present, however they are unfortunately numbered. This gives rise to hitherto unheard of habits, likes and influences such as a cultivated affinity towards western content (in the form of TV shows/movies or more recently Netflix) music, lifestyle etc. Suddenly a young adult finds himself/herself facing or dealing with situations previously unheard of, quite possibly for which a sheltered upbringing had left him/her unprepared.

This cultural juxtaposition often acts as a two way traffic. On one hand metropolitan culture, lifestyle (generously peppered with urban upcoming trends like travel/fashion/blogging/photography etc) tends to expand the mind and help formulate opinions, involvement or drive passions. Contrarily this expansion or exultation often acts as an injection of isolation. As the years go by, and this young adult metamorphoses into a new breed of culturally refined, well read, opinionated and liberal citizen, but the itch of loneliness becomes increasingly pronounced. From the issue of forming everlasting bonds of friendships, to cultivating professional contacts, to the ever imminent question of finding love, every aspect of human interaction goes through several layers of scan or security check. The echo chambers we force ourselves into tend to hold our faculties in a tight grip.

Therefore, is the phenomenon of urban loneliness really a myth? Or is it just an issue evolved out of our so called pseudo intellectual progress? It is hard to say. Research suggests that, the possibility of facing loneliness picks up from the age of 30. Loneliness is often identifies with a general lack of purpose, dissatisfaction with life and living individually in a city almost doubles the risks. City dwellers are increasingly impacted by social fragmentation, noise, lack of control, stress at work, subordination and overcrowding. Loneliness if it persists over longer duration also leads to depression and tends towards self harm or suicidal tendencies. Despite the rapid rise of this phenomenon, loneliness is not diagnosed as a medical condition. Symptoms often help with identification while also mixing it up with depression, anxiety. However, the distinction is often evident.

In conclusion, the rise of this trend is fairly recent. I have often heard it spelled out as a gap or an issue persistent with our generation. Perhaps it is or perhaps it isn't. I believe that loneliness had always been present as an undercurrent in our society, however, it's foray into the mainstream media is probably credited to the information explosion which is a gift of our digitally connected generation. In an age of Facebook, Instagram, Twitter etc, sharing comes easy and the hunger for validation is more marked. The more digitally connected we seem to be, factual or humane aspects become more impaired. One can only imagine the societal structure in the times of the millennial or the Gen Z, coming of age. Nevertheless, society (not just Indian society) is in a state  of constant evolution and it largely does ensure survival of the fittest. What could we do to hold the trap doors open? Maybe quite simplistically form better or more meaningful relationships. We could dedicate some downtime to ourselves, disconnect from the clutter every once in a while and pursue an interest. Reach out, talk, meet, share. Maybe we could take a cue from our traditional Indian belief system and learn to believe in the concept of constructing a framework of exchange. This would definitely not only be family or relatives, but people whom we come to identify with, over a period of time. Maybe people with similar value system. After all, for us, association does come more naturally. And traditionally so does acceptance, assimilation, tolerance. One simply just needs to reach out.

I was trying to be brave

 I was trying to be brave. To rise above and do what I wanted to do. At that moment, in that time. Brave enough to give up. Brave enough to hold still. To find courage to make the choices I had been destined to make. Brave enough to be lead by hand into a dimlit cluster of doubts. I had wanted to be brave. Calm enough to write down the echoes in my mind. Poised enough to let others read and feel my words against their fingertips. I wanted to find courage to tell her, darling it's time to let him go. To hold her and say that there is life beyond. Trust me and walk on. I wanted to be bold enough to pluck out the tags they put on us. To scratch labels and be free. I wanted to not be defined by who I am, or where I come from. The language I speak, or the color of my skin. By what I do or by the souls I touch. I wanted to be brave enough to just be. I wanted to wander aimless amongst strangers in distant lands. I wanted to be that smiling monk at a button sized monastery far removed from horrors of our world. I wanted to find courage to feel attached and drown in a suspension of sub-optimal gravity. I longed to feel. And yet I wanted to scatter and run when it felt. For the brave really aren't brave. Courage is not to be who you are. The who's of identity are labels just as vague. To be brave, is just to feel. And for just this once, I wanted to feel.