It has been raining incessantly today. Rains always make me
think. So today of all days I have been thinking. You know, there are days that
you wake up with certain half crafted dreams. I woke up with a strange after
taste of emptiness today. This has been happening quite a bit lately. This
sudden feeling of lost, abandonment, desolation. So I started keeping notes of
my thoughts. So that consequently I can keep track of my mind. I might sound a
bit crazy to you, but trust me I am more than fine. I have everything in order.
Just that, I see flashes sometimes. Flashes of my life
flying past me. Flashes of all the people I have loved and who in their own
ways have somehow loved me. Perhaps. I can’t be sure. This is the magic of
uncertainty that I am talking about. This stage, this juncture that makes you
doubt yourself, is where I have lately found myself standing. I am not
regressing into an alley of mental stalemate. The fact that I can string
coherent texts explains that I have not lost reason. Yet there is a certain
level of doubt. More often than not, these days, I have had moments where I
have doubted myself.
As layers of a hard frost start peeling away, you tend to
realize where all it had hurt when you started to fall. Sometimes the person
closest can sow the seeds of doubt into you. By constantly nitpicking on you,
by constantly telling you that what you say-do-feel is wrong. That you are
wrong. In those moments we start doubting ourselves, till the time that doubt
starts seriously taking over your conscious mind. Would you call this love or a
form of abuse? There is really a thin line.
I doubted myself when he questioned, who was I? I doubted
all the years that I had spent being in love with him. I wonder if love has
limitations. Or if it comes with an expiration date. When do you stop loving
someone? When they abandon you midway or when they question your existence?
Whom would you say is a greater evil? Or if evil had a lighter greyish tinge to
it. I surely wouldn’t know. I have even doubted it being evil.
I have stood under the splatter of rain on the asphalt and
questioned smiling too much. Questioned trusting. When years of blind love
stings you with a question of your own existence, you doubt yourself. When the
glass cages of your faith opens the door wide for speculation, you gamble
yourself. Everyday when exchanges become a toxic broth of accusations, you
mourn yourself. As invigorating as love can often be, it does also drain you of
life. When loves gnaws you into shards, you doubt, you question, you spiral.
When it burns in the corners of your heart and causes you
unutterable pain, would you call that as love? Someone once told me very sagely
that, if it doesn’t make you happy and always inflicts suffering, is it worth
it? Some of us become accustomed to pain. We make a habit of it, till we
realize that it is not normal. We realize when someone walks in and tells us
that, what we have is broken. We reach a certain stage when doubt starts
seeping in and drying the corners of our soul. Where do you go from there?
One of the scariest things one ever has to do is to let go. To
regress. To walk back. To let him be. But on some small occasions walking out
is also liberating. If you wait around the corner and let yourself be at that
moment, a tiny part of you might feel, a tad bit relieved to have let go of the
pain. And that is the miniscule part, you need to focus on. One step closer to
recovery is being in sync with your hurt.
So, I
pause. I see my life flashing past, and I pause. Heedless to the timetable, I
breathe and I pause.
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